Feelings....nothing more than feelings....

A lot has been on mind lately and since I can't seem to shake it, I figured I would write about it.

Ever since Autumn has been diagnosed I have had more sad days.....now, I still have more happy than sad days, but more sad days than I am used to.  I am not sure if I am more compassionate or less compassionate now.  I tend to notice how some people complain a lot about little things....and how they want a lot of attention about those little things, when I would like people to just ask me about my big things.....like, How is your daughter doing...or maybe even...how are YOU doing?  It's not anything that people need to dwell on....but still, it would be nice.

It is hard being the parent of a Type 1 diabetic.  The truth is, mine is handling it AWESOMELY, which makes my sad days even harder.  She has said multiple times that she likes having it...it makes her feel more special, and that everything she accomplishes she will have done despite having diabetes.  I am beyond proud of her for her amazing attitude, but I still wish she didn't have it.

I try to remember that we are blessed by having insulin in our lives to keep Autumn happy and healthy and then I realize that insulin is keeping her alive and that is a little crazy, when I stop and think about it.  None the less, it is a blessing.

A lot has changed in my family's life in the past 5 months and sometimes I have to remember that too, it has only been 5 months.  I have to remind myself it is ok to have sad moments, but I also know very few people want to be around you on during your sad moments, but it's still ok to have them.

I am very blessed by the family and friends that I have.  I am thankful that my daughter has fantastic friends and that her friends have continued to love her and want to hang out with her, I am thankful for the parents of her friends who have continued to treat her as their own.

I try to be a very positive, up beat person, but sometimes that is tough.  I know everyone goes through stages like this......I hope I can be the friend they need me to be and I hope people know that sad/bad days are ok.....they make the good days that much better.

As everyone tells me....Type 1 diabetes is manageable and my daughter can (and will) be able to live a very healthy and normal life......I just wish she didn't have it.

2013---Reflections

The year is almost over.  Yay!  I am good with this year ending.  If I recall correctly, the first half of the year was pretty good!  Although to be honest, I don't remember much about it.  I do however remember plenty about the last 4 months of this year, especially since Autumn's Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis.  I have blogged about that before...so I really want to focus on what I have learned this year...the good and the not so good.

1. I have learned that family WILL be there for you.  I can't tell you how important and impacting that has been for me.  I have learned more about strength and courage from them than I could imagine.  And, I am not just talking about my little foursome.  My whole family has been such a positive impact and I am so thankful for the love that we felt/and still feel.  We are blessed.

2. I have learned that I am blessed with friends.  Now, I am going to be honest on this one.  I have some AMAZING friends, some I didn't even expect to do as much as they did and some that didn't do near what I expected.  The truth...it's ok, either way.  The ones who went above and beyond totally made up for the ones that didn't. To those who were there, I am forever thankful.  Your love and compassion helped me in a time that I needed love and compassion the most.  And to those that didn't do what I expected...well, that's ok.  This was my storm to battle and not theirs......and it's ok.

3. I know God is there.  Throughout the past 4 months of this year I have realized the role God has played....how He has been there and how He was working on our family LONG before I realized how much I was going to need Him.  I am thankful for the times God allowed me to be sad, pray, and ask questions....and yet still knew He loved me and was listening.

4. I have learned a whole new form of math....carb counting..insulin calculating....blood sugar numbers....lots of math.  :)

5.  I have learned that A LOT of people don't understand what Type 1 Diabetes is....and that is ok.  It was hard at first....when people would tell me they were surprised Autumn had it, because she was thin. Or the people who told me surely she could get it under control with a pill and be ok.  Unfortunately, her pancreas as stopped working and she will need insulin for the rest of her life.  So many people don't know the difference between Type 1 and Type 2....I didn't until we were faced with it.

6.  I have learned that sometimes, in the darkest days, we just need people to listen.   Sometimes the words that we use don't actually comfort people....the best thing we can do is listen and just BE there with them.  Now, I don't mean this bad and if you are thinking....Oh, did I do this...no worries....I know people were trying to say the right things and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.  But, I always knew people were trying.

7. I have learned that even in the toughest of times we will be given positive things to focus on.  I try to be a very positive person, but struggled a lot at the end of the year.  However, the students I had this semester, the friends that were present, my wonderful family, the prayers people prayed, and the things I allowed myself to enjoy helped bring the optimism back.

8. I have learned my girls are resilient and I could not be any more proud of them.  They are amazing. I appreciate their health and giggles more than ever.  I have learned my husband is amazing.  He is always willing to listen and be there.  He has allowed me to cry tears of sadness and tears of joy and has continued to love me.

9.  I have learned we are going to be okay.  In early October I wondered how we would make it day to day....and now I know we can.  We will have tough days and probably go through tough times.  We still will live blood sugar check to blood sugar check. But, I can tell we will be okay.

I love my sweet family!  

2013 has taught me a lot.  However, I am good with it going away and I pray that 2014 is a year of love, laughter, good health, and good memories for my family and yours.  Happy New Year (almost)!  :)

Our New Normal

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged.  To be honest, I couldn't really think of anything to say and now I can't stop thinking about what I want to say, so I figured I would go ahead and write it down.

My 11 year old daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes on September 30th.  It was a true whirlwind of a day.  We knew things weren't "right" with her and had been noticing changes for a few weeks, but since diabetes doesn't run in our families it never occurred to us.  Sunday, September 29th we knew things were wrong.  She was tired all day.  She slept all day.  She looked pale and just wasn't herself.  We thought about taking her to an ER then, but what do we say...our daughter is tired?  She would wake up and tell us she was feeling better...but then sleep again.  We knew she would need to go to the doctor and so we planned to make her an appointment the next day.  By this time I had entered her symptoms into Google and diabetes was at the top of the list.  I even talked to a few people and I truly had a feeling that is what it would be.....but I was hoping I would be wrong.  Autumn got sick that night and I laid with her for a few hours...praying for her.  I was actually scared I would miss her last breath...she looked so pitiful...though she wasn't complaining at all.  I went to work the next morning and Mark made the appointment.  He took her to the doctor at 10:30 and I got the message by 11 that she was going to be heading to Arkansas Children's Hospital by ambulance.  She had onset of childhood diabetes and they needed to get her there quickly.

Naturally, I felt like my world was falling apart.  In hindsight there were tons of signs that we should have picked up on, but with her starting middle school this year we assumed a lot of it was that.  Autumn grew 2-3 inches in the past few weeks and she had gotten skinnier, she was quieter, more tired, drinking lots of water, and was using the restroom a lot.  She was confused at times and seemed to ask the goofiest of questions.  Now...factoring in middle school to us it looked like this....Autumn had a growth spurt, but her weight didn't increase yet.  She had friend changes and was just sad about them.  She was tired because she was in middle school and soccer and youth at church.  She drank lots of water because it was hot and she was exerting energy.  She used the restroom a lot because she was drinking lots of water.  She asked goofy questions because her mom is a blonde and she must have caught this trait too.

We spent 5 days in ACH and have learned lots.  Autumn is handling things so well.  Though she cried some at first and asked why a LOT she has truly taken hold of this situation.  In type 1 diabetes, her pancreas has stopped working.  There was nothing we could do prevent this from happening....so a different diet or changing her food wouldn't have prevented this.  Unfortunately this will be something Autumn will have to deal with forever.  I pray there is a cure and she has already said she hopes to be the first person cured from diabetes!

As I have said, we are working on our new normal and our typical schedule looks like this:

6:30 a.m. check blood sugar
6:40 a.m. eat breakfast (count carbs...for every 15 grams of carbs she eats she will need 1 unit of insulin)
7:00 a.m. give insulin

9:00 a.m. wait for the nurse to give us her blood sugar check

10:00 a.m.  Autumn can have a 15 gram snack (anything over will require insulin)

12:00 p.m.  check blood sugar
12:05 p.m. eat lunch (we send a detailed list of her lunch that includes the amount of carbs..same as breakfast)
12:20 p.m. insulin is given

3:00 p.m. blood sugar is checked at school before she leaves for the day

4:00 p.m. Autumn can have a snack...under 15 grams again

5:30ish p.m.  Autumn's blood sugar is checked
5:45ish p.m. eat dinner (count carbs..same as other meals)
6:15ish p.m. Insulin is given

7:45 p.m. Autumn's blood sugar is checked
8:00 p.m. Autumn can have a 20-25 gram snack
8:30 p.m. Insulin is given

2:00 a.m. Check blood sugar

We want Autumn's blood sugar to stay between 70-150...anything under 70 requires sugar to keep her levels up.

If Autumn is involved in much exercise we will check her blood sugar more or if she ever feels off, shaky, etc. we check it then as well.

Our new normal is becoming more normal.  We are learning so much every day.  Sometimes I am devastated by all that has happened and other times I feel like this is just one more thing for us to conquer.  This is our new normal and I know we are blessed.  Being honest, I am mentally exhausted.  Despite our situations in our own lives, others expect us to be the same we have always been, which has been hard for me at times lately.  We are a work in progress...but I love my family and am more proud of them than they could ever know.

It's tough...that's all there is to it....but..the feeling after it's done....AWESOME!

I think there are some misconceptions about people who work out. The one I think is the biggest is the fact that it is easy for those that do it.  By that I mean that some people think it is easier for people who work out to do it.  I don't think that is accurate.  To be honest...there are a LOT of days I have to tell myself to work out.  I have to make myself lace up my sneakers...I have to make myself pick up the weights.....I have to make myself drink my water.....not every day is easy.  There have been some days where I am disappointed in myself for not running farther or faster.  There have been days I have been so excited for how far I did run or my times.  But the truth is...most days I do it and I feel good after....strike that I feel GREAT after.  Even on my "bad workout days" I know I did it and that makes me happy.  Today, I had NO desire to work out....however...I just finished 4.25 miles and I am glad I did it.

My running goal for 2013 is 750 miles.  This averages out to 62.5 miles a month...about 15.5 a week.  My September is super busy...so I have been trying to get in extra miles this summer (when I'm not as busy) so if I struggle in September it will be okay.  I went on vacation the first of July, so I tried to get in a few extra the week before in case I didn't do as well on vacation.  I'm not going to lie...it is easier for me to get my miles in the summer when I don't go to school every day.  But that only accounts for about 2 1/2 months of the year.  The other 9 1/2 months are tough.  My school year is crazy....I teach high school kids, coach high school tennis (in the fall), teach a fitness class once a week, and coach one of my daughter's soccer teams (in the spring), plus am a MOM and WIFE.  I am busy....I'm not complaining at all...just trying to point out that finding the time to work out is tough.

Working out has become a MUST for me.  I have lost 20 pounds in the past 2 years and dropped 4 jean sizes and as AWESOME as that is for me (and no...I'm not looking for accolades) the mental aspect of it is possibly even bigger.  I feel better after I have worked out.  I can tell if it has been a few days since I have ran/worked out...I'm not as nice....I'm not as energized.  There is a sense of accomplishment/pride after finishing a workout.  I love knowing it's done.  :)

Just know.....working out/running isn't easy.....it takes determination, time, energy, and motivation.  But, if you had time to read this....you probably had time to do some type of workout.....:)  Have a GREAT day!